Wow! Has it truly been months since my last post? It seems hard to believe considering I was posting nearly everyday for a while there.
Well, I decided to post today because it’s my birthday! I turn 30 today, and as always it’s a time of reflection and projection for me. I wanted to take a moment to focus on these past few months (since my last post) as well as the months ahead.
As many of you will recall, the beginning of this year held several surprises for me (from relocating to new employment right down to a major contract negotiation). And it didn’t end there.
On the morning of my last post, February 1, my husband and I learned we were pregnant! It was yet another blessing in the cornucopia of happy events since December. Unfortunately, though the surprises didn’t end…the joy seemed to fade.
Within days, I became incredibly ill. Most days I couldn’t sit up on my own, let alone feed, dress or bathe myself. Unable to work (or really move about) I spent most days on my cousin’s sofa sleeping and…let’s just say the sofa was really close to the bathroom.
Not much later, my husband lost his job. He started dancing again, working odd jobs and trying anything he could to pull in money. He was gone more and more, until he eventually stopped coming home at all. Interestingly, when he did come home from his travels the money he was out making stayed on the road.
It seemed we had fallen from grace somehow. We’d left our home so abruptly but were still blessed; walking into jobs in a new city, with new supports, and a place to live while we got on our feet. But now…we were jobless, homeless, our money was quickly dwindling, and we were pregnant. To top it all off, I felt like my husband’s working travels were an excuse to stay away from me and all my new ailments.
Well, it didn’t take long (as Shiana Twain so eloquently put it) for me to find out my marriage was over. Then [on Easter Sunday], I found out about the affair.
Now, if I were anyone else – heck, if I were me about ten years ago – all of this would’ve been enough to break my spirit and dampen my faith. But it wasn’t.
I’ve learned throughout the years that it is often darkest before the dawn. It is usually just as we are on the verge of getting where we want to be that everything falls apart, but why?
Just as you have high hopes for your success, there are those who wish as adamantly for your demise. Some of it – most of it, actually – isn’t even intentional. People often don’t know the power of their words or their thoughts. They believe that if they aren’t physically DOING you any harm then they aren’t causing you any harm. But nothing could be farther from the truth.
If you are to overcome these obstacles and triumph, you have to intentionally fight back – even against the unintentional roadblocks. You have to be deliberate about renewing your mind and your spirit…you MUST go within.
Since learning about the affair, I haven’t been sick. Literally, that night it all ceased and my body calmed. Why? Intuition! I didn’t know it at the time, but my physical ailments were directly aligned with my Intuition.
In other words, I already knew all I needed to know – even without anyone telling me – it was a matter of if I WANTED to see it or not. I had chosen not to see, initially – but I changed my mind about that.
My life philosophy this year (I pick a new one annually) is to create new traditions. Very timely since I have a baby on the way, don’t you think?
So that’s just what I set out to do. I got busy praying for my husband, meditating and reflecting on my own feelings about him, our marriage and our baby. I found joy in all our memories and even in the possibilities for our very new, very different future as parents and child. I vowed to pass that positive energy on to our child (because baby feels what mommy feels).
I re-immersed myself in my writing and my health. I eat regularly and healthily, I exercise and I pray/meditate daily. I even pray for my husband’s mistress…sounds crazy, but I’d prefer to cover my bases knowing I put out the right energy to ensure anyone who might be around my child is of sound mind and pure heart.
I’ve re-established connections with my international contacts and my project is still forging ahead. I’m also working to establish new domestic partnerships to publish some of my works in order to create a trust for Baby BEFORE s/he gets here.
True, these circumstances could’ve knocked me down, beat me up and thrown me off-course. But because I KNOW what I’m after, what I’m working for and what I’m walking towards – because I know who I am and Whose I am – I can take a licking and keep on ticking.
It’s all a part of our life cycle; our learning processes. Today, I turn 30. Yesterday, I experienced my first taste of Mother’s Days to come. Though there have been many endings in my life in these last few months, these two days both mark the numerous beginnings. This is a point of rebirth for me.
I hope that no matter what you’re going through – no matter what has knocked you down and dragged you out, that you will allow the experience to expose you to healing…not more hurt.
Be like the cells of your skin that are reborn each time you cut yourself. The cells create a new layer of protection for you, and though they look the same on the outside they are different at their core. Allow your experiences to renew and replenish you…allow them to spark YOUR rebirth.
I wish you all the best in everything you aspire to achieve. Namaste.
Posted by the Blue Jean Diva, mz. iscis malone, with WordPress for BlackBerry.