People have always told me that my mind is like a labyrinth because a) once something goes in it doesn’t come out and b) the damn thing had to make sense to someone, just usually not the person trying to muck through it…meaning, I’m usually the only one who can follow my often spastic train of thought.
For years, I figured everyone else was crazy…but I now I think I see what they mean. As many of you know, I’m about 5 1/2 months pregnant. My belly is starting to get a little, ehem, “full”, so it can be in the way at times. For instance, the other day I went to my mom’s house for a visit. She’s been keeping my cat, Buddy, during my pregnancy since I’m concerned about toxoplasmosis.
It was clear that Buddy missed his mommy because no sooner did I walk in the door than he rolled right over on his side. Now for those of you unfamiliar with domestic cats, their way of showing you love is coercing you into loving on them. So Buddy rolling onto his side (signaling that he wanted to be rubbed) was his way of saying, “How about some quality time, Mom?”
Normally, it’s nothing for me to perch down and rub him. Sometimes, I’ll even roll around on the floor with him, just to make him all the more comfy and excited. But with this belly, I could get as far as a squat!
I was already feeling bad that my poor cat had been moved six times in a four year period. He was more than just a traveling kitty, he was a gypsy cat. Furthermore, the fact that he was even acknowledging me rather than peeing on my coat or scratching out my eyes, I wanted to make an effort to give him some time.
Initially, I thought about getting a mat or a chair. Something that might help me while I tried to engage in our usual routine – or help me up when we were done. It didn’t seem in my best interest to do either, so I opted for a different approach.
I cooed and coaxed and tried my damnedest to get that cat to come to me. If he would just prop himself up on the couch, I could sit comfortably and rub him – then we could both get what we wanted. But nope, Buddy wouldn’t cooperate.
That’s when I did what any self-respecting mother does when she’s attempted every reasonable method of compromise with no luck – I bribed him. I set some treats on the sofa beside me, turned on the television and waited. Within seconds, Buddy came sniffing around and (as Mama had predicted) plopped down to eat the treats. When he did, I pet him gently. I never took my eyes off the TV, but I let him know I was there.
After a few hours, Buddy finally got with the program. He would flop over on the floor and just look at me. When I didn’t budge, he’d jump up on the couch beside me and fall into my lap for a good rub.
And that’s when it occurred to me. How wonderful would it be if my Spirit Self just could not stoop to certain levels, much in the same way my pregnant belly prevented me from physically doing so? What if people had no choice but to meet me on higher ground? What if, like with Buddy, I just could not get into positions that were no good for me? What if, rather than making all the justifications, excuses, and accommodations to try to get out of a situation I never should have put myself in in the first place…I simply didn’t put myself there in the first place?
For the first time in my life, I found myself wishing for “can’t.” I found myself wanting to say, “I can’t.” Not just simply “I don’t want to” but literally “I can’t.” I wanted to condition my Spirit Self in such a way where I simply would not be capable of getting into self-debilitating, self-sabotaging predicaments.
You see, the truth is there is no such thing as “can’t.” We may not like the consequences/results of our actions/choices, but that doesn’t mean we can’t do something – it just means we don’t want to live with the outcome.
So although I know my wishing is just that – wishful thinking – there is something to be said for the aspiration of wanting to be incapable of stooping to levels far beneath where we belong. The beautiful thing is, if we’re lucky, we learn enough while we’re down there to never return. I’m not saying you can’t go back…you’re just a lot less likely to do so.
Peace, Love & Light. I wish you well in all you desire to be and do!