[Started August 19th, 2011]
I’m pregnant, sitting in the doctor’s office a week before my scheduled appointment.
Never having been pregnant before, I often found myself trying to resist the hormonal shifts and seemingly catastrophic rushes that would overcome me. After careful examination, however, it has occurred to me that much of my resistance was embedded in fear or F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real).
You see, I presumed that my body – though undergoing some significant changes was ultimately still mine. I’d spent years studying my vibes and emotions, learning my cycles and waves and mastering the identification of my root-sources. Yeah, about that…when you’re pregnant everything you think you know about you goes out the window.
Your body, your mind, even your Spirit make monumental shifts that you almost never see coming. Now this is true of all women, though how these shifts manifest themselves is what differs.
For me, these shifts altered my perceptions of reality; what’s possible and impossible. My body changed, along with my eating habits, my sleeping patterns, my productivity and alertness, my agility, and my Intuitive nature.
I had to learn early not to resist these shifts and changes if I was going to remain sane throughout my pregnancy. I had to learn to commit to being in the moment and feeling what I feel without explanation, rejection, guilt or judgment.
I had to learn what it meant to have baby-body, baby-brain and baby-blitzes (those hormone surges that had me laughing one minute and ready to shred people to bits the next).
In short, I had to learn to surrender.
When we surrender, F.E.A.R. loses its power. When we surrender, we are open to learning all there is to know about the unknown without any set expectation for the outcome. When we surrender, we can discern what’s real – what’s true – from what is not.
So, why am I writing about F.E.A.R. while I’m in the doctor’s office when I’ve supposedly accepted the need to surrender? I needed a reminder, why else!
My first thoughts when I received the call (and the nurse asked me if I’d had the baby) was “OK iscis, this is not about you. Maybe the doctor has something she needs to rearrange HER schedule for.”
My (still soon-to-be ex) husband, who was with me at the time, confirmed my thoughts with an assuring, “I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about. This is OUR kid after all.”
That was Thursday night. By Friday morning, I sat in the doctor’s office having to REMIND myself for the umpteenth time that this was not about me. I’d even asked people to pray and had begun doing some “Mommy Mantras” to get my mind right.
It didn’t help that the beginning of my visit was showing some abnormalities in my vitals and labs!
But I recalled something critical: “like attracts like.”
This [doctor’s visit] wasn’t about me. I kept repeating that. I started blogging (this very entry that I’m only just getting back to). I read a little and I changed from “Mommy Mantras” to “Mommy Meditation”. I breathed slow and deep and let it all go.
Lo and behold, when I went in to see the doctor it tuned out SHE had a personal matter that required her to rearrange her patient’s visits. It also happened that my labs and vitals were just fine…but the pregnant nurse who took them was suffering from an acute bout of baby-brain and made a few boo-boos.
By the end of the visit, not only did I have absolutely nothing to fear, but I got to listen to my son’s heartbeat and hear him dance a little (one of his favorite past times – go figure).
This was an important (refresher) lesson for me because like so many, when I encounter the unknown I too can get caught up in F.E.A.R., but I have to remember that even within the unknown there are some constantant knowns:
1. I am connected to a Higher Source outside myself.
2. This Source enables me to reach to higher places within my Self, allowing me to do things I have never done.
3. As I do what I have never done before it becomes known to me; and the more I do it – the more known it becomes – the more likely I am to master it and know it in a way that makes it seem like second nature.
4. So, in the midst of the unknown the first thing to do is trust my Source, then my Self – since my Self is the connection to my Source.
This is especially true for those of us who “live on the edge” or have become “connoisseurs of the unexpected.” Our lives are filled with the unknown. Each day we struggle to strive and thrive. We hustle and grind; we aim to sell our wares (or our words) – and in a way – a small piece of ourselves, in the hopes that we’re good enough and SOMEONE out there will take note.
But remember, even when the chips are down and it seems like yet another something is in the way; when the unknown seems daunting and insurmountable, remember…that’s F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real).
Today, replace your F.E.A.R. with F.A.I.T.H. (Full Assurance In The Highest)! Good luck and Namaste.