What kind of heart do you have? What’s your motivation for doing good? Do you do good at all?

These are some of the things that have been on my mind these last few weeks. As I’m looking at my life-in-transition, there is one thing that has always been a constant…until now: service.

Since returning to NYC, I haven’t done much service. Sure, I donate a little here and give away half my sandwich there, but I am talking about consistent, continual, long-term service to a specific group or demographic. It hasn’t happened.

Granted, I’ve had quite a few adjustments to make over this last year – being newly single, being a new mom, being a primary caregiver, relocating, finding long-term housing and the list goes on (and on). But other than motherhood, none of these things has ever stopped me from serving before. But something had changed, my heart is different.

The Bible equates our heart with soil. The seeds we sow grow or don’t based on how good – how well-tilled and fertile – that soil is.

And after careful examination, I have to admit that mine could use some weeding and pruning. My heart is in the right place, but perhaps for all the wrong reasons?

In the past, my issues seemed minimal in comparison to those I served. Sure, there were major things going on in my life, but there is something cathartic about helping someone else heal even as you grapple with your own recovery.

In this past year, however, my problems have swallowed me. I have been so consumed with my healing that I haven’t had much time for anyone else’s. And, yes – I know some of you will say that this blog has been very helpful and incited some healing, but (and this is not meant to undermine your processes and progress at all) I want to see you guys…at least some of you.

Counseling has always been a passion of mine, tilling the soil of people’s hearts and helping them blossom and bloom. I enjoy seeing the change. I want to (metaphorically) get my hands dirty; scattering the mulch, tossing the plant food, watering the…you catch my drift.

I want to help people to guard their hearts and minds and live life to the fullest. Planning fund raisers and other drives is wonderful, but it doesn’t compare to facilitating a discussion. I get juiced sitting in a group and watching the looks on people’s faces when they come to a new revelation about life, love, happiness, habits, etc.

But what’s my motivation? Is it for me or for them? Sure, I want to help make this world a little better; I want to live out my calling and fulfill my purpose, but is it because I want to see you or because I want to be seen?

Well, I guess the truth is, I don’t really know yet because I’m not doing any public service at all. However, I believe I have an idea. You see, this blog has helped me help people. People I’ve never met and probably will never meet. Every night when I lay myself to rest, I feel good – like I’ve accomplished something – if I post. There have even been some sleepless nights where I haven’t blogged and got up to get out something useful, helpful, cathartic so I could get to bed. (Sleep is precious when you have a newborn, if something besides the baby is keeping you up – it MUST be handled. Surely you noticed those 3 and 4am posts.)

So yeah, I guess that while it would be ideal to be in the midst of all the ripples I send out into the world, I have to consider the implications of that. If I’m really doing a good job it’ll be impossible to track my work.

If I’m truly doing all I’m called to do, the way I’m called to do it, I won’t be able to see all the people I help, or how I’m inspiring them to help others. And that’s the most important thing, isn’t it – helping others and inspiring them to help, too?

Then maybe I do know. I would prefer to help – even if I can’t see you guys all the time. I’ll have to change my approach (and my vision) in order to meet my objectives. So, I’ll keep writing, keep speaking, keep sharing…but every once in a while I’ll be sure to stop and smell the roses (while I’m playing in the dirt).
Thank you and Namaste.

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