Well, it’s Day 5 without a car. I still don’t know the purpose of this experience, but I believe we encounter things to learn from them.
Some lessons are harmonious and pleasant while others can jolt us into the Light, but given what I’ve seen every lesson is meant for our betterment.
A question I’ve had as of late, however, is: Why must I repeat the hard lessons so often? Why is it so hard for me to recall what I know and stand firm in it? Why is there always a question?
Well, as is wont to happen when asking questions to no one in particular the Universe is bound to be the one to answer.
While looking around my room the other day at all the posters I’ve made chiding myself to remember God’s promises and to pray for others and to be the blessing I desire to receive I heard a voice (eerily similar to my own) say, “You think you might be ‘crazy’ too?”
You see, mental illness runs in my family. So hallucinations, delusions and misguided faith is nothing new to me. I’ve seen the debilitating effects of one without stabilizing medication and effective therapy. I know firsthand what it is to live and breathe psyco-emotional instability.
“You can say the Lord told you. You can say some ghost or spirit or whatever you want to call it laid something on your heart; but look at you. Nothing about your life reflects any of the crap you’re talking. You have no car. You live in a room in someone else’s house. You can’t afford to pay rent. You can’t find a job and your man left you…how many times is this now?” The voice was relentless.
“Oh, and don’t even get me started on your writing, your blogs and books. And your business. How are you teaching anyone anything when you’re still struggling? Gimme a break. And these posters are supposed to stop me…I mean, help you?”
And just like that, I was back.
It was me. My own negative self-talk trying to convince me that I was silly for thinking anything would turn around. That I was crazy for believing I could (and would/will) be used for something greater than myself, for believing that I would rise above my station and die in a tax bracket some don’t even know exists never mind dream of.
If there is one thing I know it’s that changing your mind changes your life.
I’d made posters to remind of all the times I’d allowed myself to doubt and wound up off-course and having to repeat a lesson. In fact, it was crazier for me not to have them and keep making the same mistakes and hoping for another outcome. (That’s the definition of insanity.)
So what exactly did I need to remember? To be thankful and grateful and share what I know. I had to remember that marriages have been saved and families restored because of things I’ve said, done and taught. I had to remember that children have gone to college (and some parents, too) because of long nights spent lobbying, protesting, negotiating and even praying. I had to remember that while I couldn’t always afford rent, I always had a place to stay. Though my clothes didn’t always fit (because I’m losing even my pre-baby weight and looking good but haven’t had expendable income for a new wardrobe), at least I have clothes. My car may not always have what it needs but it runs and always has gas…somehow.
Perhaps the two most important things I need to remember are that I have grace and favor. My life is by no means perfect but now that I’m committed to remembering I’m recalling pertinent lessons of not-so-long ago; some of which I’ve shared with you. For instance, these hardships have more to do with the fact that I’m on-point than not.
The opposition must always find a way to distract us from what we’re meant to be doing. And when they can’t…they’ll try something else.
When my finances, my husband, my son and even my car couldn’t shake me. When my family, my friends (or lack thereof) and delayed business success couldn’t keep me down, the opposition went for the juggular: my mind.
This is a common attack and it’s why I teach people that changing minds changes lives. The mind is a battlefield, but the connotation takes on a whole new meaning for me since mental illness, medication and early onset dimentia are everyday realties.
But here’s what I know. When I stop to think I might be crazy that’s when my world becomes crazy. When I forget that I’m favored and blessed and have done in my short lifetime what others can’t boast of in all their existence, that’s when my hard work unravels and all seems lost, worthless and/or in vain.
Call it crazy faith or call me crazy, but regardless…I’ve vowed not to forget to remember!
What about you? As we approach the holiday season and the New Year, what lessons are you revisiting or hoping not to revisit again? What will you remember?
As always, grace and peace be with you. Namaste and Love abounding.