It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you without some good vibes to bless you! Happy New Year friends and family! Not even ten days into the second decade of the the new millennium and I have already been swept by a tidal wave of emotions – joy, pain, sorrow and indescribable Love…and harmony. I have come to understand so much about myself and the many things I aspire to share with my virtual family. One lesson I learned – perhaps before the New Year had even struck: you will forget to remember, but you must remember to forget…let me explain.
As a dancer and a New Yorker, I am prone to think everyone in New York should take a dance class. Not only are there some real jewels to learn about spatial awareness and personal coordination, but we can all benefit from dance’s many principles.
While observing a friend of mine instruct a dance class, I heard her say something so profound it stuck with me for weeks! A student who struggled with maintaining her balance, decided to give up and slouch a little. She shifted her body weight to make it easier for herself, but it completely demolished her form. My friend’s response was, “Don’t give in to that. You’re body will remember that. That is what your body will do from now on when you try to take on that form. What should it look like?” The young girl tightened her core muscles and held her form. Three weeks later, she was able to achieve it on the first try.
This encounter got me to thinking about people and the ways in which we form our habits. I wondered about what happens when we choose to do what’s easier for us rather than what’s in our best interest. It made me consider how much of what we encounter is really the result of us having given in to bad habits so long forgotten we don’t even think of our response as habitual, but natural.
What’s the difference you ask?
Well, consider this process of changing our minds. If it’s anything like trying to maintain our balance, then we must also recognize that when we choose to do what we know (even when it isn’t giving us the results we desire) we are training our minds, bodies and spirits to reproduce these responses on command. Perhaps the best example of this is with love.
Our natural responses are generally to do what feels good and to have some fun. Yet, when we consider expectations (ours and others’) or think about our past hurts, we’re more likely to shield ourselves. We guard our hearts in an effort to repel any possibility of hurt. What we are actually doing, however, is perpetuating the cycle that initially caused the pain.
Someone else’s distance – their inability or unwillingness to give us what we want – causes us to feel rejected or unsure. Even if we are completely secure in ourselves, we are still likely question our decision-making skills. What is happening with me that I would select a partner who isn’t capable of meeting my needs? Why would I choose someone who doesn’t want me? If you don’t make it about them, you’ll make it about you.
As your guard goes up, you then create the same emotional turmoil for another – causing THEIR walls to go up, which then leads to more distance. The relationship, while reciprocal, is one of mutual despair, anguish, ambiguity, and confusion. It causes us to withdraw, leaving us alone even as we sit beside our loved one.
And you know what? YOU WILL REMEMBER THAT! When the next time rolls around, you promise yourself it will be different. You swear you won’t allow yourself to be put that that sort of pain ever again. You want something else, something more, something deeper. And yet, there you are again with the same flavor of Ben & Jerry’s, or at the same bar chugging whiskey, trying to figure out where it all went wrong.
if anything is going to be different, you’ll need to do some introspective evaluations, recognize the pattern and correct it. Just like the young lady in the dance class, you will need to start with your core.
Your core is the source of your strength – physically it is in the center of your body, but emotionally it lies in the center of your mind. So if we are to change our habits, we must change our thoughts and our perceptions. We must acknowledge when we are off-center and examine the response that got us there.
If you are unhappy in your relationship (with your lover, your friend, your mom, your job, your finances or anything else) change your mind. Change your perception. Change your stinking thinking and get over it already!
1. Accept where you are and what got you there.
2. Think about what you would like to have happen and what needs to be done (on YOUR part) to make it a reality. (You CANNOT control anyone else’s behavior).
3. Take a hint from Nike, whatever you need to do…JUST DO IT!
4. Embrace whatever comes next (and be proud) because you are making it happen. This time you can give Reebok the credit as you manifest your destiny. As you go through this journey remind yourself, “I am what I am.” So it will be whatever you make of it.
4. Last, but certainly not least – and perhaps the most important – don’t harp. Don’t beat yourself up about your past or your present, and don’t hinge upon the future. What’s done is done, and the best is still yet to come. If you feel weary or you’re still pining over it, go back to step one….acceptance! When you’ve genuinely accepted the answer to whatever your question might be, you won’t have any old quips. NEW questions, maybe…but no quips.
So my charge to you this New Year is to accept where you are so you can excel beyond it and exceed even your wildest dreams. Seize the day and follow your heart. Change your perception so that every moment might count. Change your mind and you’ll change your life!
May love, light and harmony abound!
Namaste and God bless,
Kiki B., The WILD Side